Wayne Rooney Deliberately Scored Goal!
Stewart Dickson - University of Bristol
After revealing that they had charged Wayne Rooney with a two game suspension for swearing during the West Ham - Man United game last saturday, an FA insider dropped a hint that further sanctions against Man United players were also being concocted.
When asked about whether other players were to be subjected to the same ruling the FA were quick to announce that this law was only in effect for the duration of the goal celebration, and that it was very unfortunate timing for Wayne, although they will be scouring the tapes to see if any other United player swore or indeed spoke.
Additionally Wayne is soon to be hit with secondary bans for purposefully trying to score a goal and for helping United win a game, both of which contradict the FA’s current policy of desperately trying to stop united winning the league. During our discussion my source admitted that FA supremo Trevor Brooking, a former West Ham player, was disgusted by Rooney:
“he [Brooking] came in on monday morning and was fuming... screaming about wayne deliberately trying to score.. he couldn’t believe it.... we pointed out it wasn’t against the rules... but Trevor wasn’t having any of it!”
There is also bans expected for other united players who are reported to have explicitly and knowingly helped Rooney attempt to score. A truly shocking state of affairs.
The Shrek look-a-like, Rooney, was asked for his opinion on the ban and simply replied: "F***ing what? What? F*** Off!". This answer has promoted the idea that the stunted Cave Troll wasn’t being a thug after all, but only knows that one string of words, and like a trained parrot regurgitates it whenever prompted to speak. This theory was given greater gravity after he descended into a series of aggressive grunts whilst beating his chest when pressed further before our correspondent fled fearing for his life.
In order to get a fair assessment of the situation I called Arsene Wenger but he had unfortunately not seen the incident yet, but was quick to tell me of the approximately 12, 391 offense committed by opposing players during Arsenals game against Blackburn.... approximately.
Whilst the FA have not confirmed sanctions to be imposed against any other United players yet, they have launched an inquiry into the Stoke vs. Chelsea game, with sanctions expected to be levied against Tony Pulis for fielding his strongest team and hurting Chelsea’s title hopes.
However, the FA were quick to praise Ian Holloway for fielding his strongest possible side this weekend, with an admin staff admitting “we are pleased that recently Ian has been playing his strongest side, and that the results are going against him in the manner we think is fitting for a small side... the league table looks less confusing now doesn’t it, with all the big sides at the top”.